I used to have something to look forward to. A huge change. A whole new enviroment to look forward to. I guess I’m a sore loser. Because now that I have nothing, I don’t know where to go from here. I have no freaking clue.
I was so excited for a while. I thought, things are going to get better, I waited it out eleven years, now i finally have a shot at something that will make things a little bit better. the world held potential. now the world holds nothing.
On a recent facebook post i gave a bit of a hint at how suicidal I’m feeling lately. my well-meaning therapist knows that if it weren’t for my parents, if I was estranged from my parents, I’d already been gone.
I know I tend to go off the map a bit when I’m sad but the last thing I need is for people to just let me fall off the map. And i don’t think this person’s ever coming back. Except maybe to yell at me. And I can never get it out of my head. It’s 24/7 torturous, intrusive thoughts, reminding me in the cruelest ways that I held hope for a while before it was snatched away again.
My obsessive kid thoughts are the worst they’ve been in years, I don’t even know how long. I sleep, or I stay high, or I’m crying. I avoid people like the plague because I’d rather stay at home and punish myself for a million different inadequacies. After all this time, I thought the pain wouldn’t still be this bad. I want to be moved on already.
If shock therapy doesn’t work, if TMS doesn’t work, my therapist said we’ll reavaluate, she knows fully well that I don’t want to be here anymore if the last resorts don’t work.
People in the family think that’s sad. I don’t. I’m resigned to the fact that maybe, this is just how it’s supposed to go. Because my quality of life is shit and I don’t want to do it anymore.
I remember every second that I spent with them and I guess i’m just terrified that they’ll never, ever, care enough to check that I’m alive again. I don’t think they’ll care if they ever learn that I’m not. It sucks that I love them so much, even when I don’t want to, and i’m no where on their radar. I’m already dead to them it feels like.
So if ECT doesn’t work… we’ve had this talk. I wait for my parents to be gone and then maybe finally the pain stops.
I’m too exhausted, too apathetic about breathing, to censor anything anymore.
So don’t ask how I’m doing if you don’t want to hear the answer