I really did not expect to take the end this badly. What is there to be surprised by by now? People come and people go. They come and are still and peaceful and say the right things and you start to think that things will be different this time. And then they go, destroying everything on the way out. Destroying the relationship, good times and bad just swept violently to the side, leaving only thousands of memories you’ll have to learn to deal with remembering.
I curse my memory on the bad days. I remember every second, the beginning where everything was hopeful and light and I honestly thought that this was different, there were no ulterior motives. This was healthy and good and logical. There was no possibly way that I could totally obliterate the relationship out of existing. I remember smiling for the first time in forever. I remember telling her at Portillo’s that you were too much like Jesus, that I’d have to watch my language around you. you were almost too nice I said.
Yeah, well. Today’s a bad day. I remember every single moment, from the first time I saw you to when I told you I’d talk to you soon and told myself it wasn’t goodbye, it wouldn’t be goodbye. It was fixable. Today’s a day where I find more things that remind me of you, from before when the bad days had become more manageable. Today I cry in my room and pack it all in a bag and leave it somewhere so I don’t have to see them. Things you’ve never even seen but they hurt me to look at because they remind me of when I was happy and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. There is no light at the end of the tunnel now. There is smoking, and there is waiting for approval from a stranger so I can have electricity shot through my brain in the hopes that your memory maybe won’t haunt me anymore.
Today I want to be seven again, just having a bad dream so i can go into my parent’s room and have the problem solved with water and a hug. Hugs don’t help now. Nothing helps now. You’re everywhere I go. Sleep stays far away from me and when I catch up to it, I dream of you.
I’d like to beleieve that if I called, even now, you’d be understanding and we could fix it. But I know the repercussions are too much to deal with. You used to tell me not to think of death. Now I think my death would come as a relief to you. Today I want to bury all those things and let them decompose.
Today, and days like today I cut myself open and put myself back together and today I want to be in the ground too because I’m trying as hard as I can but i Don’t know up from down or light from dark or evil from good. There is no light at the end of the tunnel anymore and I don’t know how to do it anymore.
And I’m exhausted and I long to wake up and feel rested. My mind just doesn’t care.