Shock/Empty

I have to reexamine whose in my life, why they were there in the first place, if they are doing me any good. It sounds good to the ears when someone says they’re there for you, but it means more when they actually are. Sometimes though, intentionally or not, the people you rely on to be there when they say they will, they fuck things up and take advantage and don’t care about who they’re hurting. So whether they mean to betray your trust or not, they do, and you have to live with the pain that comes from the mistakes of someone else.

I don’t need people around who will only help me a certain way. With their attitude of “I got better this way, so let me help you this way.”

And then if you don’t accept their advice or help and follow exactly what they say, and they up and leave? I don’t need that from people whose advice I didn’t ask for in the first place.

I feel in shock by my relationships with other people lately. What I did wrong, what they did wrong, if I should just call it quits, never talk to them again, take what’s left of my dignity.

Suddenly I hate wearing what I used to wear. I like dresses, more simple then having to pick out a top and a bottom. I don’t like to wear dresses anymore, I want to throw away every stitch of clothing they ever saw me wear, cut all my hair off, dye it. Every single thing they called to my attention as a positive, I want it to no longer be part of my personality. I don’t want to be me anymore. I feel betrayed and isolated and alone and like nothing can ever or will ever go back to where it was before. With multiple people.

I fucking hate wearing pants. but I wear them now, and I don’t write, because once they were curious about what I wrote, and I get stressed and sick every time I eat, and I don’t sleep, and I don’t laugh. I’m not me anymore and I don’t know how to get that back, because for a while they claimed to like or respect what it was, who it was, that I was. I’m not that anymore. I’m killing time, and I’m self-harming and I don’t care. I don’t care about being coherent, or people’s opinions. I care about nothing, and I want everything to be gone.

I’m sinking into quicksand, suffocating, and I don’t even care anymore.

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