Very lately, I’ve been starting to think I don’t belong here. True, many people have heard me complain about the dirt covered, tumbleweed infested city here in Southern California that I happen to have been born into, and which for reasons unbeknownst to me, my mom and Pop-o are still loyal to.
No, this is new. A deep, deep, almost reminiscent feeling towards a state I have never been a resident of. a week here and there, but as soon as I cross the state line, I feel home. closer to home as I pass through Las Vegas and Utah and Idaho. But right across the state line? I am at peace. Yes, my emotional problems still exist, of course they do. But even while I am crying, I am still in dumbstruck awe of the beauty.
Why the attachment? Maybe because this was the other woman. The place he left the three of us for. And yes, as I get older, I realize that it isn’t black and white, not even leaving your kids. I still don’t know all the reasons why, but I know that it couldn’t have been black and white. But the point is he still left, for this state, Montana. Even now when I see it on the news or see it on a map, I feel something in my heart.
Maybe the attachment, maybe I feel at home there because as much as he left, and came back and left again, and then left for good on April 9th of 2013, he couldn’t obliterate a whole state in his leaving. His bad temper is gone there, his patience infinite, he does not grimace and wipe off my kisses, he is truly dead if that makes sense. I have forgiven everything and it doesn’t hurt any more. Sure, i still cry and I miss him, but he doesn’t hurt me anymore.
I want to be back there so bad. Even as my writing this makes me doubt the pull of this state 1,625 miles from me. If i wasn’t so terrified of being homesick, so terrified of being terrified, I would go. Instantly. Yes there are other things to take into consideration. The fact that they don’t want me there. The facts that my grandparents said “I don’t think it’s such a good idea.” Even though my sister went and they weren’t saints but they let her go and took her in and everything. No, I’ve always been different. The third child in a line of two children per couple, so while my uncle says “you’re welcome anytime” I know that I am not really one of them. that anytime means for a week and that i would get cold looks and I would be both thrilled and crushed at the same time because I am home there, but to them, I am not home. I am foreign and an imposter and disabled and unwelcome.
“I don’t think it’s such a good idea.”
Yeah, well, neither was leaving 3 kids. Was that such a good idea?
He’s been dead for almost 3 years and he can still make me cry like a baby and not get any sleep at night.
When does it stop hurting for good, not him dying, that too, but him leaving in the first place?
I want to be back there, I know I won’t see him, but I want to be back so bad. Today, my soul’s somewhere else. and that somewhere else is 1,625 miles away from me.