I hate the way my brain responds to everyday situations, especially disappointment. From a letter that my therapist wrote to me when I was maybe 8 or 9 years old, my brain doesn’t handle disappointment well. To paraphrase her words, my brain’s lack of ability to handle disappointments was what made my life such a roller coaster.
And I still haven’t made very much progress on that. Sure, I don’t throw a fit on the floor of a public place because I’m let down about something, but that’s really not a high bar for an almost 19 year old.
Today, it doesn’t matter what it was, but I was “able” to obsess about something else. I was distracted thoroughly with thoughts about something else besides the kid thing. And since that other situation I was contemplating won’t pan out, my brain is “free” to be depressed about that. I can predict what will happen over the course of the next several hours. I’ll be really sad for maybe 2-3 hours with spontaneous bursts of crying and blurting out to whoever will listen what embarrassing situation I am sad about. they’ll sympathetically try to convince me that it’s not the end of the world. I’ll nod, felling at the same time, managing to feel empty of severe positive or negative emotions. I’ll mope around in my own apathetic haze, which will be a welcome relief starting in maybe 3 hours and ending in about 8 hours from now. Then, not content to leave me without feeling excruciating misery and hopelessness, my mind will go back to the constant groove of obsessing over not being a mother.
I’m realizing that it is not the situations that I find myself in, but how my brain responds to them, and in situations like these, blows them out of proportion and makes me feel about them.
So, since there is nothing else to discuss, I can “enjoy” the apathetic and dull existence that will conclude my evening. It’s always something from me. And unfortunately, walking inside in 30 degree weather crying about things that doesn’t matter, is the epitome of my typical “good” day