Let me acknowledge right off the bat with this post that I don’t know how much I’m going to ramble. I’m just feeling a ton of overwhelming emotions tonight. I did a good amount of Christmas shopping today, and for the most part I handled my emotions well. On the outside. Christmas shopping in particular is very emotionally taxing for me, and I don’t really know how to explain the sensation of it. With my obsession with kids, I can simply be shopping and see a family and small children, and simply get very very sad, or irritated that I’m not a mom yet. This can sometimes lead to me lashing out at the people that are shopping with me, or becoming very monotone, shoulders slumped, the whole, “I want to go home and cry in my bed for the rest of the evening, please” attitude. And it’s not controllable most of the time. A good deal of the time the best I can do is try to finish my shopping quickly and get out of the store without breaking down crying. Today though shopping with Pop-0 went surprisingly well with just a few minutes of quiet crying in a McDonald’s bathroom before I was able to regain my composure. It truly is the season of miracles, and I’m only a little sarcastic when I say that. I wish i knew how to explain better the feeling that I experience when I get “triggered” or obsessed by my kid obsession. it’s like the whole room has been sucked out of it’s air, and suddenly I don’t care about anything else, since I’m not a mom or won’t be one anytime soon, I would rather die than continue breathing. Which also becomes much more difficult, breathing that is.
Christmas is excruciating for me. From having several little cousins to visit with on Christmas Day, to missing my father, to seeing babies and toddlers and the items on sale for that age group, I am constantly on edge, and am just waiting for the holiday season (October-January is particularly hard for me) to be over. If I didn’t have family in California that would be sad if i left, i would instantly and without regret buy a bus ticket and go up to Montana. There i could rent a hotel room and walk around in the fresh fallen snow and smell the trees and look at the purple mountains and hills and endless miles of trees. There I would again, truly feel like I could just happen to walk upon my dad. And though it brings tears to my eyes to imagine it, I could just happen to see him, maybe standing on the side of a snowy road, bundled up in his brown coat and gloves and hat with the ear flaps that we sent him, and I could just hug him, and stand with him, and that would be enough. In Montana, even for just a little while I feel home. Like my heart is closer to wherever he is now. Like i could reach out and touch him. There I feel like even though I can’t reach out and touch him, it’s somehow more okay that i can’t. How I wish that i could just leave here, leave everyone’s presents wrapped under the tree and leave. Even for just a little while.
But I’m selfish too much of the year as it is. I have to stay here. And just be here even physically even though somewhere in my mind, where things aren’t real, i’m a mother, or okay with not being one, and I’m in Montana walking with the spirit of my dad that lives there.
So yes, Christmas is my worst time of the year, but Dad, wherever you are, I wish you a Merry Christmas, and I know that you know that I long to be back in Montana where in my mind we’re walking together.